My fifteen year old called me “mom I want to talk to you.” She had that look on her face and I knew this was going to be something hard hitting and I better be prepared. I asked her to sit beside me and smiled…not knowing what to expect.
As “moms” we get that intuition you see, and as expected she looked at my face and asked, “Mom, Why don’t I have a boyfriend?” Well, that was something out of the box, now what do I tell her? I thought for a minute and asked the most predictable question “Why do you need one?” “Mom, all other girls have boyfriends…is it because I am your daughter? She had the most innocent and inquisitive look on her face. “What?” I didn’t quite understand what she meant. “Because you are a teacher in my school, so no one dares to approach me” she answered. Her face stern and quizzical. I was at a loss for words and just sat there not knowing what to do. Then as most parents normally do I tried to avoid the matter. “You don’t need to think about all that- focus on your studies. This is not the age for boyfriends” I said trying to dismiss the matter. “But mom” she wailed, “Go and study” I told her very sternly. She walked away reluctantly. I knew it was not right, but I guess I was not prepared to take that topic up. I sat there looking at her leave making a mental note that I need to talk to her about this sometime soon. However, that time never really happened. Nonetheless, the thought kept haunting me. I guess it’s not just with my daughter but also with most teenagers. Times have changed, now teenagers are into relationships that they themselves are not sure about. I tried thinking of a rejoinder to this. When I was her age, I didn’t think of having boyfriends. Not that I didn’t have any guy friends, but getting into a relationship i.e. a romantic relationship with any guy was not in my agenda. I don’t know why. Maybe we were naïve at that age and were not exposed to superfluous doses of television serials, movies and western culture. We believed what we saw, relationship meant “marriage”. Today, there are loads of serials showing boys and girls in college having more than one relationship, movies with live-in relationships and extra-marital affairs. There are some so called “modern” families who believe boys and girls can be good friends, but fail to keep a check on them. They do not realise that these kids in the name of friendship tend to get intimate with each other and end up with different ideas about relationships. This may be common in most western countries, but as Indians we follow certain traditions and culture. This does not imply that I don’t have a modern outlook, I do believe that boys and girls could be good friends but without getting intimate. Nonetheless, I am proud of our Indian traditions and culture and want my daughter also to value them. Three years later, I visited my daughter studying abroad. We were finally meeting after months and both of us had being missing each other terribly. We are very close more like friends rather than mom and daughter. She would share everything that happened during the day with me, in fact she wouldn’t sleep nor let me sleep till she talked about her day and her opinions on things. Although the topic of boyfriends did come up I would never have a proper answer to it. While I was in Canada, we went out for a walk one evening, she had being hinting me about so many things she wanted to ask me. I still had no answer for the question she asked me long ago, but I was not prepared for what she was going to ask. She had a very different question now, something beyond just having boyfriends. We sat down on a bench facing the marina; the sky was melting into the waters with hues of orange, purple and blue. She was looking at the ferries lined up and without looking at me she asked “Mom, what is wrong if I get intimate with my boyfriend? “ I was dumbstruck; hailing from a traditional Hindu upper middle class family, this was beyond my thinking. I looked at her and she looked back, but before I could answer, she continued, “One of my friend told me that, our body is precious we should not be casual about it and have physical relation with any one” Is that right? Phew! Thank God for small mercies, I was obliged to her friend at least I had a base to begin with. “Yes,” I said. “That’s right”. This time looking straight into her eyes, though it was dark and I could not really read her expression. “What you call intimacy comes with love, when you love someone with your heart, then intimacy follows. Your body has needs; sexual needs, however that does not mean that you be intimate and sleep with anyone. The need is lust just sexual satisfaction. You may feel dejected if the person you were intimate with just walks out on you. We tend to have more than just a physical relation and give a part of our soul to the person.” Wow! Did I actually say all that to my eighteen-year-old daughter? It was getting dark and I could not see her face very clearly, I could not judge her expression, however I continued, “you are not comfortable changing clothes in front of me, what makes you think that it will be easy to be intimate with just any boy? Baby, the country that we come from follow certain traditions and I feel that you should value them.” Then she looked at me and smiled, that look on her face conveyed that she understood. “Then Mom” she said, and I thought “now what?” Once again she looked at the ferries and asked, “What do you think of live-in relationships?” Oh God! I was tongue-tied. I tried digesting the question; thinking what to say. Then, gingerly without looking at her, I asked, “Why do you want to have a live-in relationship?” She now turned her face to look at me “So that we get to know each other very well, and know everything about each other before marriage.” “Hmm, so you want a trial before marriage?” I asked with a sly smile looking right in her eyes. “Yes, So that we know each other thoroughly”, she said without taking her eyes away from mine. “Why would you want someone to know you thoroughly? What fun would it be if you know the person inside out before marriage? And suppose it does not work out, what will you do?” She looked away from me… lost in some thought, I continued… “What will keep the relation growing if you already know each other thoroughly? Don’t you think it will be better to keep something’s to yourself and let him come to know about your habits, likes, dislikes slowly and the same about him also?” She had a strange look on her face, and then she looked at me again. “You can get to know a person without a live-in relation also.” I continued, “Go for outings, movies, dinner dates, talk and share your ideas. Then you will look forward to staying with each other and will be ready to accept each other with your likes and dislikes.” She looked at me with a satisfied smile and said, “ You know mom, you are smart, and you know how to convince your daughter. I know what you mean and I do value our traditions, its just that I wanted to clear these things; so now don’t worry about your daughter.” I smiled and tried to think…did I just manage to convince my teenage daughter? Before I could feel satisfied and take pride in myself, she put up the same old question again “But mom, why don’t I have a boyfriend?” Now what do I say?
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