Prologue to my life...
As a girl I used to imagine my life after marriage; what it would be the family and house be like. That was the time when girls were supposed to adjust with her husband and his family, a husband whom her parents would choose for her. Hence I never thought of love marriage or even getting to know my husband before marriage. In fact I wanted a joint family with brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts grandparents etc. Its now that I realize, I never ever visualized about my would-be husband; what qualities I wanted in him etc. However, I was very sure of how other members of the house should be and to a certain extend even how my kids would be!
That was the 1980’s!
Though, one thing I was always sure about was that I wanted my first child to be a girl.
However, all this was just a desire, in real life though I did get married to a person who had two brothers and three sisters, it was not at all the type of family I had dreamed about. I remember a rare occasion when I had a proper talk with my husband, he said that he wanted to marry a girl who didn’t have any siblings, and I told him I married him because he had so many siblings. Hah! What an irony!
After marriage, initially I did feel something out of the way, I was never comfortable when he was around but I thought that given time, it would be all right. That in arranged marriages it takes time. However, as days passed I realized that we were totally different people and our thoughts never matched. He was a type of person who did not even trust the clothes he wore. Slowly as the newly wedded label washed off, things started to surface, he would shout at me for what I considered petty issues. I remember and incident where he shouted at me just two weeks after marriage for laughing on the phone while talking to his sister. I was too stunned to say anything. My dad or mom never raised their voice on me. I always got compliments on my ever smiling personality and here I had a person who did not want me to smile…. what a life!
Since it was hardly a month or so after my marriage, I did not want to trouble my parents with all these issues. However, all this started affecting me and slowly I started weaving a cocoon around me. I stopped smiling and would also speak only when someone asked something, I would just perform my daily routine like a robot, and my husband never realized anything amiss.
With all this there was one thing that brought a smile to my face, when I went for the bank officer exam classes; one of my students was there with me. She was a chatterbox and more than the classes, it was the time we spent at the bus stop. I would let go of two or three buses before boarding one. Although, she must have guessed something odd about me for sure, she never pried.
Then a few weeks later, I realized that I was pregnant, it was not even two months that I was married! I was thrilled! I had something to look forward, however my happiness did not last long. My MIL took me to a doctor and the news was confirmed; it was 31st Dec and my husband was had already left for duty.
My MIL shocked me when she asked if I wanted to abort the child!
I was appalled!
How could she even think of something like that!
I waited for my husband’s reaction and that shocked me more, though he was happy that he was going to be a father, he said that he wanted a boy.
If it will be a girl he said, “Pack your bags and go home!”
That was a terrible shock!
I could not believe that in this age there are people with this type of mentality. I think I was so terrified of him that I started praying for a boy, but then as things started to seep in I started thinking…why should that be…. boy or girl it wouldn’t matter, I wanted a nice healthy baby. Although deep in my heart my wish to have a baby girl was still there….
During the time I was pregnant most of the incidences and his behavior made me realize that this person was not the man for me, however giving in to the advices of the elders of my family I tried to adjust and manage things to my best.
I tried to save a relationship that was already dead.
Anything dead cannot be revived.... even though I tried my best the relationship started decaying. I realized that my little girl would be better off without a father like him!
Then, after her first birthday…I finally had the courage to leave him for good!
It was during this journey of raising her that I saw the true colors of all relationships and how people change with circumstances.
That was the 1980’s!
Though, one thing I was always sure about was that I wanted my first child to be a girl.
However, all this was just a desire, in real life though I did get married to a person who had two brothers and three sisters, it was not at all the type of family I had dreamed about. I remember a rare occasion when I had a proper talk with my husband, he said that he wanted to marry a girl who didn’t have any siblings, and I told him I married him because he had so many siblings. Hah! What an irony!
After marriage, initially I did feel something out of the way, I was never comfortable when he was around but I thought that given time, it would be all right. That in arranged marriages it takes time. However, as days passed I realized that we were totally different people and our thoughts never matched. He was a type of person who did not even trust the clothes he wore. Slowly as the newly wedded label washed off, things started to surface, he would shout at me for what I considered petty issues. I remember and incident where he shouted at me just two weeks after marriage for laughing on the phone while talking to his sister. I was too stunned to say anything. My dad or mom never raised their voice on me. I always got compliments on my ever smiling personality and here I had a person who did not want me to smile…. what a life!
Since it was hardly a month or so after my marriage, I did not want to trouble my parents with all these issues. However, all this started affecting me and slowly I started weaving a cocoon around me. I stopped smiling and would also speak only when someone asked something, I would just perform my daily routine like a robot, and my husband never realized anything amiss.
With all this there was one thing that brought a smile to my face, when I went for the bank officer exam classes; one of my students was there with me. She was a chatterbox and more than the classes, it was the time we spent at the bus stop. I would let go of two or three buses before boarding one. Although, she must have guessed something odd about me for sure, she never pried.
Then a few weeks later, I realized that I was pregnant, it was not even two months that I was married! I was thrilled! I had something to look forward, however my happiness did not last long. My MIL took me to a doctor and the news was confirmed; it was 31st Dec and my husband was had already left for duty.
My MIL shocked me when she asked if I wanted to abort the child!
I was appalled!
How could she even think of something like that!
I waited for my husband’s reaction and that shocked me more, though he was happy that he was going to be a father, he said that he wanted a boy.
If it will be a girl he said, “Pack your bags and go home!”
That was a terrible shock!
I could not believe that in this age there are people with this type of mentality. I think I was so terrified of him that I started praying for a boy, but then as things started to seep in I started thinking…why should that be…. boy or girl it wouldn’t matter, I wanted a nice healthy baby. Although deep in my heart my wish to have a baby girl was still there….
During the time I was pregnant most of the incidences and his behavior made me realize that this person was not the man for me, however giving in to the advices of the elders of my family I tried to adjust and manage things to my best.
I tried to save a relationship that was already dead.
Anything dead cannot be revived.... even though I tried my best the relationship started decaying. I realized that my little girl would be better off without a father like him!
Then, after her first birthday…I finally had the courage to leave him for good!
It was during this journey of raising her that I saw the true colors of all relationships and how people change with circumstances.